Why Sensitive Women Keep Attracting Toxic Relationships (And How to Break the Pattern)

Have you ever found yourself leaving one unhealthy or toxic relationship and then soon finding yourself in another?

It's like the same energy and patterns with a new person, and can start to make you feel frustrated and hopeless. It's easy to get down on yourself when this happens and think that it must just be because there is something wrong with your or your ability to attract healthy people... it can make you feel doomed to never be able to have a healthy relationship.

Often sensitive women especially fall into this painful patterns and then think that it means something is inherintly wrong with them. But let me tell you from lots of personal experience, nothing is wrong with you.

In my 20's I found myself heartbroken and straight up traumatized after getting out of a toxic relationship with a narcissistic man. I rememebr confiding in a family member that I felt stupid and weak for being so kind and trusting and not seeing the red flags earlier. She reassured me that I was not weak or stupid, and told me that unhealthy, toxic, and especially narcissistic people like him see our light and want to take advantage of it... But that actually made us the strong and amazing one, because no one would want to break a weak person. No instead that want to make themselves feel powerful by trying to break a strong amazing person.

Many sensitive women face relationships with truly narcissistic types of people who do have a crual intentional way about them, and many also are with people who do not have this more crual nature, but who are simply wrapped up in their own pain and trauma that causes them to behave and treat others in unhealthy or toxic ways.

Those expereinces are different but both cause great pain and can make us feel doomed in love, friendship or family relationships... but especially in love. So many senstive women deeply crave a healthy loving partnership because most senstiive people lacked proper attunement and healthy relationships in childhood. And because connection and love are basic human needs, of course it makes sense why sensitive people crave that love so deeply and then are incredibly pained to find themselves repeating painful relationship patterns.

So what's the solution?

First off it's about understanding that you are not broken, weak, or stupid and nothing is inherently wrong with you.

What you are up against is a learned pattern and patterns can be changed.

So let's talk about this pattern, where it comes from and how to break it.

Where this pattern comes from

Childhood. Of friken course it comes from childhood, ugh. So basically in childhood the majority or sensitive women were not seen, honored, understood, supported or loved in the ways that they needed. As I discuss in my book, The Empath's Guide to Healing, the majority of sensitive women have one or both caregivers who are unpredictable, sometimes loving and sometimes cruel, critical or otherwise harmful. This causes our little nervous systems to get very used to the feeling of unsafety in our body being connected to love and relationships. And it causes us to (what's in clinical terms called) coupling. Basically the ideas like "love = self sacrifice" or "love = pain" get wired into our nervous system and subconscious mind.

This helps us survive and cope in our childhood but then once we try to venture out into the world, it causes us to repeate this pattern through feeling attracted to unsafe people.

So it's not that you only attract unsafe people and are doomed forever. Nope.

It's that you (you beacutiful amazing sensitive soul) attract many types of people but your unconscious point of attraction makes you feel attracted to the ones who are unhealthy and toxic because it's what your system and subconscious learned to feel are normal.

But this f'd up terrible "spell" like programming can be broken!

How to break it

Breaking this pattern takes addressing 2 things:

1) Rewiring your nervous system to uncouple the feeling in your body that unsafety = normal.

2) Rewiring your subconscious mind to re-write your internal programming.

So instead of your unconscious beliefs being things like "I am not worthy of or capable of safe love", "Love is not safe", "I have to self sacrifice in order to win love", etc. insert other icky belief here ___...

You reprogram your new beliefs to be things like, "I am worthy of healthy love." "I do not have to abandon myself or my own needs to secure love", etc. insert positive new belief here ___.

And this is not done through repeating affirmations that you don't believe into the mirror. No it does take real work, but I can help you with that, there is hope!

And before you say OMG that sounds so hard and impossible, let me first validate that yes, it f-ing sucks. No one should have to be put in a position to have to do this work. You did not deserve to have to carry this burden. There was nothing you did to deserve this situation.

And dispite all of that, you are in this postiion and you can change these things, and I won't lie to you are say it's super easy, but it is also not that complicated either. I know because I did it. In my 20's I found myself in this exact pattern and I broke free. (I share about it more in my book)

Ok so HOW do you rewire these things?

Rewiring your nervous system.

Let me break this down into some steps to make it simpler and more manageable. Know this is not the end all be all directions, listen to and trust yourself before anyone else. This is just based on my deep experience, studies and work and the path that I have found to work best.

1) Listen to your body's cues.

You know that anxiety that hits your when you are around someone? Yea, to re-wire your nervous system you've GOT to start listening to that and taking it as a valueable message from your body. No you're anxiety is not "something wrong with you that needs to be medicated or pushed away", it is a valuable message or signal your body is giving you. So start listening to and trusting your own body's signals. If you feel anxious around someone, even if no one else understands and everyone calls you crazy, it doesn't matter, it's your job to listen and trust yourself. That alone could be the whole friken directions right there but I do have one more very effective step you can try.

2) Start making new decisions and sooth your self through the discomfort.

When we have unehalthy nervous system wiring it can seem like we can't help but keep repeating the same painful patterns even when we know something feels wrong. It makes it really hard to make new choices, but making new choices IS the thing that can shift things so much. For example, say you are on and off with a toxic ex. They text you one night out of the blue about how much they've changed (*biggest eye roll every) and your pattern tells you to text them back. You feel that deep pull... but you also feel in your body or know in your mind that if you do text them back you'll be pulled right back into the toxic cycles.

In that moment even when you KNOW whats right for you it feels so hard to actually do it. You try to resist and your body feels so uncomfortable. But THAT is the moment everything can change by making a new choice. And that means doing the opposite of what you would normally do. So per our example, if you would normally text them back and get pulled back in, do. not. text. them. back. I repeat DON'T do it. Do the opposite things, the thing deep down you really know is best even though it feels harder.

And then that must be followed with you soothing yourself thorough this discomfort. Go for a walk, punch a pillow, take a bath, give yourself a hug, call a friend who you know would support you, talk to a therapist or mentor. Do whatver you have to do to sooth yourself in that moment and remind yourself what a powerful choice you are making out of pure self love. THIS is how you break these painful patterns, and over time it will become more and more natural and less and less uncomfortable. I promise.

Ok so the second part of all of this is:

Rewiring your subconscious mind.

Rememeber how I said all that childhood stuff made you develop certain beliefs about love... yea those beliefs are stored deeeeep in your subconcious mind. And usually we try to talk ourselves our of it and then get frustrated when nothing changes. Although talk therapy can be an excellent support, it has it's limits too.

So many senstive women find themseves talking things over and over and over and seeing nothing change. That's because when you are talking or thinking about it, you are dealing with your concious mind. But really 90%+ of all of your beliefs, habits and behavior comes from your subconcious mind. So if you want to rewire that deeply at the root, it takes tools that specifically communite with and rewire the subconscious mind.

There are different ways you can do this but the most powerful, fast and effective way that I have found is Quantum Hypnosis.

Quantum Hypnosis so much has helped me deeply rewire my own subconscious mind out of these painful patterns. In my Quantum Hypnosis Sessions I use a method called Beyond Quantum Healing to help clients heal, release and rewire these painful patterns and beliefs. So instead of believing that "love = self sacrifice" we can erase that belief and replace it with a belief like "I am worth of healthy reciprocal supportive love". I also love making clients their own hypnotherapy audio that they can listen to for several days in a row (28 to be exact) to support their subconcious in doing this deep rewiring. And let me tell you this stuff really works.

If you want to get a feel for my voice and style of hypnotherapy you can download this free 20 minute Quantum Hypnosis audio. or checkout my Youtube.

When these patterns shift in your nervous system and subconscious mind everything changes. I once felt doomed in love, ending one toxic realtionship to find myself in another. But thorugh this exact work I rewired my own nervous system and subconcious mind and have been in a happy healthy realtionship for 2+ years now. And I know the same is possible for you.

Lots of love,

Monica